Jokes...
If you happen to be offended by any of the jokes here...
STOP READING
!!!
(Duh !)
An Amish farmer has 3 daughters. A suitor shows up. "Hi, my name is Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show." Is she ready to go?" A second guy shows up, "My name is Freddy. I'm here for Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. Is she ready?" The next boyfriend that shows up says, "Hi, I'm Chuck". The farmer shoots him.
One day God took a walk in the Garden of Eden. He found a lonely Adam sitting under a tree. God said, "I know what will cheer you up. How would you like a companion that's cheerful, kind, compassionate and caring? It will only cost you an arm and a leg." Adam thought for a while and asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
A priest was giving confession to an obviously drunk man. After hearing several grunts and some thrashing about, he asked the drunk if he was all right. "Yeah, I'm OK. Say, is there any toilet paper on your side?"
A guy sees an Indian lying on the road with his ear pressed to the ground. He hears the Indian muttering, so he approaches. He hears, "Black car, Cadillac, traveling west, Kentucky license plate..." The guy amazed asked, "You actually know that just by listening to the ground?" " No, you stupid dipshit, that's the car that hit me!"
Guy talking to a Pirate (The Pirate has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand and an eye patch): What happened to your leg? Pirate: Well...It was a stormy night, the main spar fell on me leg. Me ship was headed for the rocks, I had to takes me faithful pocket knife and cut me leg off so's I could steer me ship away from the rocks. Guy: What happened to your hand? Pirate: Well...I was fishin', got too close to the water when a big ol' shark came along and bit me hand clean off. Got this nifty hook when we got to port. Guy: What about your eye? Pirate: Well...I was lookin' up when this sea gull shit in me eye. Guy: Surely that didn't cause you to lose an eye? Pirate: Well...Ya see, it was me first day with the hook.
Two dogs had chased a third dog for hours in
the hot sun.
Dog 1: Ain't this a bitch?
Dog 2: It sure as hell better be!
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
It was the 1st day of school. The 2nd
grade teacher asked some of her students to tell the class a
story of something that had happened to them over the summer
break in which they learned a moral.
The first student stood up and said, "Well, I went to my
father's farm, and one day we counted the eggs in the chicken
coupe to see how many chicks we would get, but that night a wolf
came and ate 1/2 of the eggs. The moral I learned was don't count
your chickens before they're hatched." "Very
good," said the teacher.
The second student stood up and said, "Well, one day my
mother sent me to the market to get some milk, and on my way
home, I got beat up by the neighbor bully who spilled my milk all
over the ground. I went home crying to my mother. And she said
not to cry over spilled milk." "Very good," said
the teacher.
The third student stood up and said, "My father told me one
of his war stories, and it went like this. He was stranded in a
fox hole with only one bottle of Jack Daniel's, 12 rounds of
ammo, and 2 grenades. Well he drank the whiskey, then the enemy
came. He shot up 12 guys, and blew up 20 more with the
grenades." "Well, what moral could you have possibly
have gotten from such a story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't f#ck with my dad when he's drunk."
A woman and some of her girlfriends go on a golf trip. They all take a cart out to the first tee, play the hole, and begin on their way to the second. Along the way, one of the women is stung by a bee. The driver of the cart races back to the clubhouse and they rush the woman to the nearest doctor. Upon being asked what the trouble was, the woman replied, "I was stung by a bee while golfing." When the doctor asked where she was stung, she replied, "Between the first and second holes." To this the doctor replied, "Well, for one thing, your stance must be too wide..."
At the Confessional Three men are outside the priest's confessional area talking about their sins while waiting for the priest to finish. One admits to beating his wife up; the second admits to gambling his wages away and the third admits to committing adultery with a woman from the parish. The adulterer goes into the box and admits to his sin but refuse to name who he had committed adultery with. The priest asks him "Was it Mrs Richards?" "No father," came the reply "and I cannot tell you who it was?" "Was it Mrs Brown?" "No father." The priest then told the man that he was going to get one more chance to confess properly and if not he would be excommunicated for two weeks. "Was it Mrs Maclanahan?" asked the priest. "No father." "That's it," said the priest. "You're excommunicated for two weeks." The man left the cubicle with a big smile on his face. "How did it go?" asked the other two. "Great," he said. "I got two weeks off and three good leads!"